It was four years ago, that my life completely flipped. Four years ago, I lost something very, very important to me. I still needed, no, I still need what I lost that day. I need her guidance, I need her love. It's been four years. Four years already... I still remember it, like it happened yesterday, hell it feels like it was yesterday. I remember the last words she said, I remember the last words I said to her... I remember the entire day... It plays over, and over in my head. I wouldn't quite say it haunts me... But though I've become content with my position in life, I can't get passed it. It's a bad day for me, and I wish there's was a better memory for April 22nd.. But there isn't... There's nothing that could ever be powerful enough to take that place in my mind... Nothing will ever be as life altering as when my mother passed away. I'm sure there's still some of you who still don't know exactly what happened... I know there's maybe two of you I've told the story to. Well, more for the sake of the memory, rather than telling the story, I will. Feel free to skip it if you want, it'll all be in italics so it's easy to get passed.
~Background: My mother had become ill with a rare lung diseas seven years before she passed. The doctor had diagnosed her with only two years, yet she managed to live for 7. We all knew she was going to pass... We didn't have the money, and her place in line for a lung transplant was to far down... Though we thought we were ready, we weren't... This is how the course of the day went...~
Early morning, about the hour of 6:00 am, I was awoken by the calls of my father, "Time to get up! School!" I called down to him in acknowledgement, and proceeded to rise from my bed. Walking from my room downstairs and into my parents bedroom, I said my good mornings. My mother, she was breathing abnormally heavy. I was nervous, but thought nothing of it, she had been in a state like this before and it was only caused by a pinch in her oxygen supplies hose. I proceeded to check the line, and I walked back into the room. My father was sleeping again, but there was my mother laying on her side. "I checked the line mom, it's all cool," she looked at me with wide eyes, usually that ment I was seconds away from being slapped for doing something wrong. Her eyelids relaxed to a gentle, pallid state. "I love you, and I'm leaving. Don't miss me too much," she told me, as she closed her eyes. I shook my head, and gave a small laugh, thinking she was in a dream world again. "I love you too." I wispered as I walked back upstairs, with the intention of getting ready for school. I laid back down on my matress, and drifted off into a sleep with this abnormal empty feeling in my chest.
I woke sometime later, around the hour of 11:00 am, I sat up quickly, and sprinted down the stairs, and into my parents room. There my mother lay, covered in a blanket, sleeping gently. My father, however, was sitting on the edge of the bed rocking back and forth shaking his head. I looked to him with confusion, "Dad?" I spoke. He looked at me, his eyes were reddened from tears, it was difficult enough to see him crying... He was a strong man, I've never seen him cry. "Dad, what's the matter?" I said, still in the door-way of their room, "I think mommy's dead..." ... That very phrase, repeated in my head, and suddenly there was that emptyness again... He wouldn't joke about that, he wouldn't be faking this.... I simply turned and walked back upstairs. I walked into my room, and locked my door... I turned to face my wall, and I cried myself to sleep, the emptyness returned.
Yet again, sometime later I awoke.. I'm not sure of the time, I never checked. I felt the dried tears on my face.. I walked downstairs, and saw my brother pacing in my living room. "Jason?" I said timidly... He looked at me, he wasn't crying, though his eyes were red... He stopped dead in his movements, almost as though he was frozen... I continued down the stairs, stopping a little away from him. He came closer to me, and there was the empty feeling again, I knew what it had to be... "Is mom okay?" I asked... Everything went into a slow motion... He shook his head, and stepped forward. "No... No she's not..." He hugged me tightly... He was another strong man, that I'd never heard cry... But he was, he was crying.... and so was I...
So there it is, if you read it. That's what happened... Everything short of my complete and total emotional breakdown, as I watched them lower my mother into her grave... I apologize for the crappy story thing I turned it into, but it's better than just some stupid rambling.
I guess I'll get into another subject, so this update isn't all about my mother.
I've now heard from two people, other than Nick himself, that I'm just a copy of him. I will admit, there are somethings that I did use as influences to my personality. My appearance however, is in no way inspired by him. My facial hair, is the same as my father's, I shave, and line it the exact same way he does. My long hair? I made the decision to let my hair grow out, before I met Nick. If you don't believe me about that, too bad I guess. I don't speak like Nick, I don't have glasses, my hair isn't black... My interest in Anime, and the Japanese culture had spawned while I was still in New York... That wasn't "copied." I will say though, hadn't had an interest in learning the language until I met Nick. I was introduced to Dane Cook through Nick, yes. I don't like Dane Cook because Nick likes Dane Cook. I don't play guitar because Nick plays guitar, I don't draw because Nick draws.
I'm not a copy of Nick, I don't want to be, I don't plan to be. Appearance wise, is purely coincidental. Nick, is Nick. I am me.
This isn't meant offensively in anyway, it's just a statement in my defense.
Moving along I suppose.
I'll be trying out two vocalists tomorrow at my bad practice... Hopefully atleast one of them will be as good as they bother claim to be. If that goes well, and I get my vocalist, all I'm out is a bassist. They're probably the hardest to find... But I'll do it. Better Than Nothing with rise again.=D
And it's pretty awesome, because if we can get a three song cover set, we can get a gig in no time. People here in No Po are always looking for live entertainment. =D
Other shit news:
95% chance I'll be losing my house... We can't come up with $3000 dollars for them to even consider giving us another chance... I guess there's one thing good about it... >.> I'll be moving back to Sarasota, which I wanted... Though... Not under the circumstances I wanted... Fuck, I hope we don't lose this house... As much as I don't want to live here in No Po, I don't want to be homeless, and mooching off of my brother.
Better News to contrast the shit news:
If I can save up money, Metrocon is a definate. I've got someone who can room with me, and transport us to, and from the convention center.
I guess that's all...
~Thanks for reading~